The "Theory of Don"

I was thinking the other day about evolution...well,it was raining and there was nothing on TV.
I think what bought it on was the discovery of "IDA", the skeletal remains of a female primate which had apparently been sitting in some rich guys closet for the last 25 years...and was apparently possessing of some strikingly humanlike anatomical features...that he wasn't about to share with us.

The thought, that then occurred to me, was that evolution, can only be viewed by looking backwards. I mean, I'm sure that 47 million years ago Ida wasn't sitting out on her front porch, in a late Eocene afternoon patch of sunlight... munching fruits and berries and thinking to herself..
"you know, being bipedal would be a lot more efficient form of locomotion than this fused talus and prehensile tail that I seem to have inherited...but.. thank goodness evolution will take care of that, and will probably also sort out these few other biomechanical faults and flaws that I seem to have inherited...Hmmm.. you know, I might just pop over and see that new Australopithicus family that has just moved into the neighbourhood"

My opinion,.. and now gentle reader, remember that you have read it here first...is that we do not, and have not, evolved in the lineal progression of slithering along like a salamander to upright perambulation, that has been foisted upon us...I mean I read the other day where Dolphins actually went BACK into the water...now how dumb is that?... for all time missing the jigaboo antics of Robert Mugabe and that Ill Bong wot's his face who has his finger on the big red button marked 'NUKE'

In my opinion, all we have done really, is to have lurched mindlessly from one catastrophe to the next,searched frantically for our next decent feed,stressed, paniced and taken fright at all sorts of real and imagined dangers..and judiciously taken advantage of any series of opportunistic sequences that have presented themselves to us... In time we may have adapted, and god forbid, perhaps raised our pathetic existances above that of the masses, and become comfortable with ourselves...we may even have found a mate who has taken enough pity on us to have mated with us and bred offspring who have inherited enough genetic nous to have survived long enough to do the same.

I am reminded here of the differences between say..an Olympic Highjumper, and an Olympic shotputter...neither could do what the other does, do any great degree of accomplishment...now, say they continue down each path, both shot and jump for, say...oh, I don't know...45 million years... what sort of evolutionary pie bald misfit would you get? Or perhaps you could even add to the mix a computor geek and a Texan pie eating champion...Prehensile tails and opposable thumbs would actually seem tame by comparasion with what these dudes could morph into...I mean, come to think of it, will txting even remove the necessity for opposable thumbs, for example.

I am reminded here too, of the tree swingers from our distant past...why, and how, did they possibly learn to walk upright?...Well, maybe it was as simple as having to get across a creek to get to the Hagen Daz shop on the other side......what can I say...I'm a wimp,always have been, and despite spending my days swinging by vines...I would bloody well walk upright if it meant keeping my balls dry while crossing a creek....and just imagine how many times you would laid if every day you were the only one bringing home Hagen Daz from across the creek..pffftt and there you have it... suddenly all the kids can walk upright.

SEE...it is by adapting to the niche that you happen to find yourself in, that you then morph into something else...something more efficient, something stronger and sexually more desirable...after all attaining immortality is about getting getting yourself laid..If this niche is removed, then, the process becomes simple,millions of years of development reverses itself and you become extinct. Just like the VCR, or the Olympic typewriter...lose your desirability, get replaced by something stronger and more efficient...don't get yourself laid...and pfffft...you're consigned, for all eternity, to an historical dumpster.

No, it's only by looking backwards that one sees this evolutionary process or journey...So then the question I have to ask myself, (quietly too I might add, just in case someone sees me fondly cogitating my verbs)...do we actually, even today,know that we are,evolving?..and in what direction are we doing so....or even hope to do so...I mean for crissakes I don't even know what I'm having for lunch, let alone what I'll be doing in 45 million years...
Ahem,...and I pause here to add, that I believe there is anecdotal evidence that says women can even be domesticated... can actually be trained to carry out simple instructions and to also do things like household chores and shopping...Hard to believe I know, but this is an important process when it comes to evolving...it frees up men to focus on important stuff...like playing computor games and watching sports.

I use the word 'evolve'...only because I havn't yet invented a word that describes the opportunistic adaptation to the specialised niche that we find ourselves in...and that someone of the opposite sex who shares the same niche and interests also finds herself in...and who also wants to have sex with you,.. and who is fecund enough to conceive from your miserable attempt at copulation.
The "Theory of DON" springs to mind, but it is a working title only, until something more opportunistic comes along.

Hmmm... now I have forgotton already where this was taking me...and since it has just taken me half an hour to find the right button on the remote to remove the black line that appeared across the top of the TV screen...I'm not really sure that I have evolved as far down the evolutionary track that I really would have liked to have travelled...
...I still wouldn't mind getting laid however...even if not for the greater good of mankind and the survival of the species...but just because it feels funny.

I need to test this crap for faecal coloforms

God, life is so boring right now...I mean it must be, when today I got a vicarious thrill from getting the results of a Laboratory test for Faecal Coliform.

A process that we use for treating sewerage had managed to lower the FC's from 270,000 down to 2900...not quite drinkable but...OI!! what the F..are you still awake?...this stuff is both thrilling and riveting, so pay attention please.
Anyway quickly moving on..., before you expire from torpor...what this means,is that dairy effluent can be spread onto pasture without a 10 day withholding period because of the FC's...the cows won't eat the grass anyway...cos it tastes like...well..crap.
The effluent can also be spread close to water sources without ...without...zzzz...oh, all right you can all go to the toilet.

The market has been treating me well this week, everything that I have touched has shown some lustre...just as well I suppose, cos a few of those are a holding in General Motors..They havn't died yet..but I suspect that they might enter their death throes sometime in the next week...unless of course you wouldn't mind popping out and buying a new car...NOW, would be good... the surprising thing is that despite the trauma they are still ahead of what I paid for them...it also shows the human condition for hope and optimism beyond all...well, hope and optimism...cos I still have the bloody things...it's like watching a train wreck...and not getting the fuck out of the way.

Today I went and watched the god kids compete in the provincial duathlon champs..it was a beautiful day beside the great lake...Lib got second and her brother got third, which made her mother screech with parental delight...until I told her to shoosh...that people were looking.

Oh, and I forgot...on Sunday night I went to the movies...watched the new Star Trek movie...it was actually very good...and, I have to say.... that as Luke Skywalker flew over the corn fields of Idaho on his way to take over the Enterprise...I swear that I saw Kevin Costner building a baseball diamond...
...now I am off to test all this drivel for faecal coloforms

He left at free firty ona pus

It's been a tough week.
Last Friday 'free firty ona pus'was roaring, rolling, rollocking drunk. He was so drunk that he dropped his diary. It fell open at a page that had my name on it. It was a handwritten contract that sold my product to a man I didn't know,and delivered to a place that I knew nothing about...and certainly hadn't recieved any money for. A little discreet enquiry revealed that he had been lining his pockets at my expense. Needless to say it was his last day in my employ.
oh, how he ranted and threated and cajoled, to no avail I might add.He arrived at free firty ona pus...and I geuss he pretty much left the same way.

On Saturday morning I ran at some ungodly hour with Mike, then after showering, raced through to stand in the rain and wind to watch my kid play netball.
It was worse than being waterboarded.
Then after a bite of food, jumped on my bike with god kid, where she proceeded to reduce me to idiot savant...We caught up to some competitors in a bike race. I have never experianced such relief as to be slowed down by a bike race.
Sunday a.m. though, bought a modicum of revenge. Mike, Jon, God Kid and me ran a local 15 miler called the Fanny Hill (called that cos it fucks you). It is a run over nothing but hills and forest tracks and it is gutbusting tough.It was Libs first time over 15 miles, let alone something as tough as this. She went well for over an hour and then the sky fell on her head.
I have never seen such a look of eye sunken malice, when I glanced over at her, as we trawled up the last hill two miles from home.It had taken her 34 minutes out to the barn, but 45minutes back. Tough?...you have no idea how tough this kid is...she never looked like quitting.

My new yard manager starts tomorrow. He is an irrascible old scotsman named funnily enough 'Jock'. He has a scar from his chin to his navel, where surgeons removed what was left of his shrivelled up heart.He turned up to the interview, unpretentiously enough, in drawstring track pants and a flurescent shirt.
He is however a mechanical genious and I am looking forward to working with him. When I explained the details of the latest project I have been working on, he grasped the concept immediately and was able to offer some quite thoughtful insight.
What I am really looking forward to though is chucking him the phone, and getting out of this weather to somewhere that will warm my pituitary to a temperature that will actually kick start the freakin thing.

I'm thinking perhaps of Singapore for some shopping,(they have electronics to die for)Mediterranean Turkey for a little historical culture and sun, and then maybe New York for some awe, inspiration, and a ride on the subway.

It was worse than the battle of Actium.

I was in the urinal of one of the local pubs on saturday. Which is not such an unusual place to be while the local rugby team is playing (and winning) and all the tickets are sold.
A couple of porcelains across was a fellow who couldn't walk, talk or see properly so pissed was he. He was leaning against the wall, head resting on forearm, eyes closed...and well, urinating..he turned across to me and said "jeez this place stinks" I thought "thats curious,the last thing that you lose is your sense of smell"

I was there with an old school mate, who was lamenting the fact that he played for the same team, and in the same position, for twelve years in the days when they didn't get paid...now he's a real estate agent, in the middle of the biggest real estate burn since the great fire of London. His timing, one has to say, has been appalling.

Friday night, I had the married one over...she had decided that she wanted to stay the night...NOW, It wasn't really the 16 txts seeking affirmation and reassurance that pissed me off, it wasn't even the arriving two hours late, and it wasn't even the smashing of the wine glass with a drunken sweep of her arm...nup, the unbridaled passion made up for all that..things were actually going rather swimmingly, until, that is, she slipped into the arms of morpheus.
I was just drifting off myself, when someone started up a chainsaw next to me...jeez..it was louder than...than...the squawk of that Goose that got hit by the plane, before it crashed into the Hudson... I gave her a hopeful poke, she grunted, and carried on snoring, I poked her again...ditto. I read a book...and thought of Lisa and wished I had her ear plugs.(she has a train running under her apartment)
It's bloody funny looking back on it, but it wasn't so at the time...I kicked her out at 6a.m...and, now, of course, she is blaming me...I'm an insensitive degenerate pig, and wholly deserve neutering...and I am left thinking..."isn't it curious how the last thing that goes is your sense of smell."

What an incredible stroke of good fortune.

I was just thinking the other day about what incredible good fortune I have.

Some 800 years ago 17.2 million people started on a procreational journey that 35 generations later has resulted in ME, ME ..ME.. ME.
Not only did I arrive here relatively unscathed, but each one of my forebears managed to arrive unscathed as well...it was probably fortunate that for the first 700 years electrical sockets hadn't been invented, and for the first 150 years, neither had firearms.
Just as an example, in 1348 bubonic plague killed some 70% of the population of England. The population dropped from about 6 million people to 1.8 million. Not one, let me repeat that...NOT ONE of the of the 4.2 million people who died during that plague was one of my ancestors..and it only had to get ONE of them, just one, for me not to have been born.
Then in 1845 one million Irish people died from the potato famine. Not one of them was an ancestor of mine. Revolution, wars, famine, accident, disease, we escaped them all...as of course, if you are reading this, did you.
As you can, no doubt imagine, this is an unimaginable peice of good fortune.

Anyway, getting back to the story,...Then, every 22 years or so one of my ancestors not only had to find someone who would take pity, and have sex with them, but also had to have the incredibly poor judgement in achieving conception.
Then they had to survive childbirth, not succumb to disease, pestilence, famine, war, their own stupidy (it's amazing how many people this kills)

Just how fragile and tenuous this genetic string can be, was bought home to me, when in 1891 in a frontier town in New Zealand a midwife delivered of an unwed mother a son. The skill of this midwife lay in the fact that both mother and child survived the primitive conditions. 6 years later the mother, now wed to my great grandfather,had my paternal grandfather. In an ironic twist of good fortune,the midwife went on to become my great great grandmother on my mothers side...which of course wouldn't have happened if say she hadn't have washed her hands and had killed my other great grandmother.
I was thinking too that in the year 1206 (gee, that doesn't seem that long ago) when my 17.2 million ancestors started out making me, the average male orgasm was probably pretty much the same as it is today. That is some 17 seconds. Now 17 seconds multiplied by 8.6 million men is 144.5 million seconds.
Essentially what this means is that I started off as an orgasm that lasted some four and a half years.
It also means that I started out as enough semen to float the Titanic...eewww.