I was thinking the other day about evolution...well,it was raining and there was nothing on TV.
I think what bought it on was the discovery of "IDA", the skeletal remains of a female primate which had apparently been sitting in some rich guys closet for the last 25 years...and was apparently possessing of some strikingly humanlike anatomical features...that he wasn't about to share with us.
The thought, that then occurred to me, was that evolution, can only be viewed by looking backwards. I mean, I'm sure that 47 million years ago Ida wasn't sitting out on her front porch, in a late Eocene afternoon patch of sunlight... munching fruits and berries and thinking to herself..
"you know, being bipedal would be a lot more efficient form of locomotion than this fused talus and prehensile tail that I seem to have inherited...but.. thank goodness evolution will take care of that, and will probably also sort out these few other biomechanical faults and flaws that I seem to have inherited...Hmmm.. you know, I might just pop over and see that new Australopithicus family that has just moved into the neighbourhood"
My opinion,.. and now gentle reader, remember that you have read it here first...is that we do not, and have not, evolved in the lineal progression of slithering along like a salamander to upright perambulation, that has been foisted upon us...I mean I read the other day where Dolphins actually went BACK into the water...now how dumb is that?... for all time missing the jigaboo antics of Robert Mugabe and that Ill Bong wot's his face who has his finger on the big red button marked 'NUKE'
In my opinion, all we have done really, is to have lurched mindlessly from one catastrophe to the next,searched frantically for our next decent feed,stressed, paniced and taken fright at all sorts of real and imagined dangers..and judiciously taken advantage of any series of opportunistic sequences that have presented themselves to us... In time we may have adapted, and god forbid, perhaps raised our pathetic existances above that of the masses, and become comfortable with ourselves...we may even have found a mate who has taken enough pity on us to have mated with us and bred offspring who have inherited enough genetic nous to have survived long enough to do the same.
I am reminded here of the differences between say..an Olympic Highjumper, and an Olympic shotputter...neither could do what the other does, do any great degree of accomplishment...now, say they continue down each path, both shot and jump for, say...oh, I don't know...45 million years... what sort of evolutionary pie bald misfit would you get? Or perhaps you could even add to the mix a computor geek and a Texan pie eating champion...Prehensile tails and opposable thumbs would actually seem tame by comparasion with what these dudes could morph into...I mean, come to think of it, will txting even remove the necessity for opposable thumbs, for example.
I am reminded here too, of the tree swingers from our distant past...why, and how, did they possibly learn to walk upright?...Well, maybe it was as simple as having to get across a creek to get to the Hagen Daz shop on the other side......what can I say...I'm a wimp,always have been, and despite spending my days swinging by vines...I would bloody well walk upright if it meant keeping my balls dry while crossing a creek....and just imagine how many times you would laid if every day you were the only one bringing home Hagen Daz from across the creek..pffftt and there you have it... suddenly all the kids can walk upright.
SEE...it is by adapting to the niche that you happen to find yourself in, that you then morph into something else...something more efficient, something stronger and sexually more desirable...after all attaining immortality is about getting getting yourself laid..If this niche is removed, then, the process becomes simple,millions of years of development reverses itself and you become extinct. Just like the VCR, or the Olympic typewriter...lose your desirability, get replaced by something stronger and more efficient...don't get yourself laid...and pfffft...you're consigned, for all eternity, to an historical dumpster.
No, it's only by looking backwards that one sees this evolutionary process or journey...So then the question I have to ask myself, (quietly too I might add, just in case someone sees me fondly cogitating my verbs)...do we actually, even today,know that we are,evolving?..and in what direction are we doing so....or even hope to do so...I mean for crissakes I don't even know what I'm having for lunch, let alone what I'll be doing in 45 million years...
Ahem,...and I pause here to add, that I believe there is anecdotal evidence that says women can even be domesticated... can actually be trained to carry out simple instructions and to also do things like household chores and shopping...Hard to believe I know, but this is an important process when it comes to evolving...it frees up men to focus on important stuff...like playing computor games and watching sports.
I use the word 'evolve'...only because I havn't yet invented a word that describes the opportunistic adaptation to the specialised niche that we find ourselves in...and that someone of the opposite sex who shares the same niche and interests also finds herself in...and who also wants to have sex with you,.. and who is fecund enough to conceive from your miserable attempt at copulation.
The "Theory of DON" springs to mind, but it is a working title only, until something more opportunistic comes along.
Hmmm... now I have forgotton already where this was taking me...and since it has just taken me half an hour to find the right button on the remote to remove the black line that appeared across the top of the TV screen...I'm not really sure that I have evolved as far down the evolutionary track that I really would have liked to have travelled...
...I still wouldn't mind getting laid however...even if not for the greater good of mankind and the survival of the species...but just because it feels funny.
